50/52

2 weeks left! 

Looking forward to taking part in the whole project next year. 

Maggie: she enjoyed her cake. A lot. 

Elisabeth: a quiet moment shared together in the hustle and bustle of their first birthday party. 

More on their party and birthday in a separate post. 

Joining in with Jodi at Che and Fidel. 

49/52 {catching up}

The birth story blogging combined with birthday party preparation left little time for my 52 portraits posts. 

So here is 49/52 a week late.

Maggie: Rob took some gorgeous photos in the morning light on our bed. 

Elisabeth: her gorgeous smile here does make me smile!

Joining in with Jodi. 

Birth day

Today the girls are one! They woke me around 4am for a sneaky breast feed, and I kept both girls in the bed between us. I slept right through the time of their birth (5.54 Maggie and 5.55 Elisabeth), but I was happy as I was snuggling them close. So different to last year when we didn't get to hold our babies at all. Thank you to those of you who have been reading along and commenting, this is it, the last chapter of their birth story.

The sleeping tablets didn't work as well as previous nights. I kept waking every 15 minutes to breathe through a contraction and then I'd doze in between. I honestly thought in my befuddled state that they would calm down. Although I was alone (I didn't bother the midwives often that last night) I didn't feel lonely. The babies were wriggling around like crazy (due to the contractions), I only realised the other day that term babies would be too big to wriggle the way they did that last night. I always found their movement a comfort. Perhaps the other big hint that this was it, was that I was leaking colostrum all over the sheet. 

Around 1am I did ring the bell as the contractions felt a bit worse. The midwife gave me some panadeine and a heat pack, she stayed with me to feel how they were progressing, and said she'd see how I was at 2am. Meanwhile I had texted Rob. As we only have one phone he had borrowed my mother's old mobile. The buttons were too small for him to text very well. It made me laugh because every time he wrote xxx it came out www. I was willing the contractions to stop, but instead they were just as strong. I toughed it out, throwing aside the useless heat pack and curling up on the bed whenever one hit. 

Just after 2am I sent Rob another text to say they were not getting worse but weren't that nice either. He asked if he should come in. Why I didn't say yes then I'll never know! The midwife went to discuss my progress with another doctor to see if it was worth calling my doctor. I had not lost any fluid so I still thought they would calm down. 

By now it was impossible to doze between contractions, I was trying to be brave. The babies were still kicking like crazy. The contractions then went up a notch, they started getting longer and more painful without a break. I still didn't call Rob, I didn't want him to worry. Just after 4am I sent him an understated text - getting more frequent, can you come in soon. He replied ok. I didn't realise ok meant to Rob have a cup of coffee and a leisurely shower and shave. Perhaps we should have discussed my texting code. Because to me it meant come immediately! 

Lying down and breathing was doing nothing now. I could feel the contractions building up like a wave until it was intensely painful. I remember walking around the room and leaning over the bed quietly moaning. Then suddenly I felt a pressure deep in my bottom. At first I thought I had to go to the toilet and even tried. Then I suddenly remembered the day before one of the questions my Doctor asked was if I felt a pressure feeling. That's when I finally admitted this was it. I rang that bell and told the midwife, who turned and ran out the door to get help. 

Two other midwives came back with her and a wheel chair. By now the pain and pressure was constant, and when they asked me to sit in the wheel chair I initially refused. But somehow I sat down and was whisked back into a delivery room. They had already rung my Doctor. They helped me onto the bed, removed my knickers, and one of them did an internal exam as gently as she could. I remember the lamp at the end of the bed didn't work, so it was all dark. But I could see her face and heard her whispering to the others that I was fully dilated and she could feel Twin B's head. Then she told me to shut my legs and whatever I do, not to push. Stranger words I'm sure haven't been spoken in a delivery room. This I admit felt impossible, your body just takes over and does what it has to. But I gritted my teeth and tried. The midwife who had been with me all night asked where Rob was. So I rang him (I later checked my phone the call was at 4.57am), understated was thrown out the window as I gasped "get here now", followed by "where are you?" He told me he was just driving through Snug. Still a 30 minute drive from the hospital. My heart sunk. I wanted him with me, I was so scared. I didn't want to face their birth alone.

The mood of the room quickly changed and it suddenly became full of people. I was very relieved to see my Doctor. She looked very serious, even more than the other day. The lights were thrown on, and it became crazy, it felt so surreal, as if it was happening to someone else. They reattached IV lines and gave me another massive dose of magnesium sulphate. Perhaps telling about the pain I was now in, was that I didn't feel the burning this time. The other had saline reattached. They gave me an injection to slow the contractions, and those fetal heart monitors went back on. The midwife told me to breathe through a contraction rather than tense up and squirm and quickly showed me how to use gas. 

Other people were in the room, an anaesthetist was at my head asking me all sorts of questions I could barely hear or understand. On the other side my Doctor put a consent form in front of me to sign. The anaesthetist was still talking to me, but I wasn't taking anything in. I had to swallow some foul stuff to stop me choking. I could see NICU nurses checking the warming beds. I was shaved and a catheter was inserted. Then as suddenly as they appeared, everyone started leaving for the operating theatre upstairs. My bed was wheeled into the corridor, and as we went past the midwife was grabbing towels and oxygen canisters and placing them between my feet. I thought that was odd at the time, but later a NICU doctor told me when they were paged they were told I might give birth to one of the twins in the lift on the way to the theatre!

I don't actually remember any more contractions from now on. I was exhausted and kept looking for Rob. The midwives rushed me out of the lift and wanted to wheel me right into the theatre, saying to theatre nurses as they pushed there was no time for normal protocol. But in the rush it wasn't actually ready yet! As we waited briefly the anaesthetist's nurse let me know that they still weren't sure if I would be having a general or a spinal. I really wanted to be awake at least, but I knew it wouldn't be up to me. They said if it was a spinal when Rob arrived they'd bring him up. I desperately wanted him to get there, but perhaps all my silly bravery would mean he would miss it. With all the commotion I had lost track of time. 

Finally I was allowed in, I remember the huge lights above the table. I was shuffled across to the table, and noticed it was getting light outside. I saw two humidicribs, each with a NICU Doctor and nurse. The main NICU Doctor came and introduced himself. I could see my Doctor and another obstetrician in scrubs prepping. I was asked to sit up and hunch forward for the spinal tap to be placed, because my gown was open at the back it kept slipping off. One of the NICU nurses rushed forward to hold it up to preserve my dignity. I felt so defeated that I didn't even care if I was naked, and tried to tell her I didn't care. I don't remember if someone told me or I looked around and saw him, but I suddenly saw Rob standing in the corner in blue scrubs and face mask, his blue eyes fixed on me. I was so relieved. 

I had done all that I could to stop their birth. Endured more than I thought I ever could, but in the end I had to surrender (thanks Jodi for that totally appropriate word). I could do nothing more to protect my babies from their early arrival. It was now up to the NICU doctors and nurses, and the babies themselves. 

They gently laid me back down, checked I had lost sensation and hastily put up a curtain (which kept falling against my face). Rob sat next to my head and held my hand. Then the operation started. It wasn't long at all and I heard my Doctor ask Rob if he'd like to stand up and see the first baby's appearance, and I felt excited. She joyfully announced "It's a beautiful baby girl", and as Rob's tears fell on my face, I quietly wept as I heard Maggie's tiny but determined cry, and I felt it. A love stronger than anything I had ever felt, particularly for someone I hadn't even seen, as I became a Mama. One minute later the Doctor asked Rob to stand up again and Elisabeth entered the world screaming just like her sister, and another wave of love washed over me for my second daughter.

I have written before about meeting the girls later that day. Despite all we had been through already, we knew it was just the beginning of a long stay in hospital for our daughters. Unlike their birth day a year ago, I only have tears of joy today. There is no sadness or fear. Just love, wonder and awe for our girls and how far they have come. We are so proud to be parents of our Maggie Simone and Elisabeth Hazel.

Another day, another needle.

Sometimes I thought maybe we could prolong the pregnancy another week, we were after all on day four in hospital. With each day I survived we slowly added the days to my gestation 25w4d, 25w5d, on a white board in my room.

Speaking of my room. Originally we had booked into a private hospital for their expected birth date in late February, but as only the public hospital in Hobart has a NICU we really didn't have a choice. So I was given a rather spartan private room (this photo was taken after their birth hence the pump). You may have noticed the lack of photos, we didn't bring a real camera into hospital. I didn't have a compilation play list of music to soothe me during labour. I hadn't even packed a suitcase for hospital, so poor Rob was sent off to shop for all sorts of things! As news spread around our family, friends and work colleagues, my room did start filling with beautiful flowers, a stark contrast with the scuffed up walls and stained ceiling. 

On Tuesday morning, however, I woke up in the delivery suite. They detached my IVs, but left the cannulas in just in case. 

Our favourite part of the day was the ultrasound to check on the babies. We headed off to radiography not long after breakfast. The babies were still doing well, the TTTS had not gotten worse (there are four stages, depending on the severity of the symptoms, the babies were still only stage one). But my Doctor was keen to perform another amnio reduction later that day. 

We headed back to the ward for a rest and some lunch. Rob even helped me have a shower. It is amazing how quickly muscles disappear with only a few days of bed rest. I laughed at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, a huge belly with little skinny arms and legs. 

I was still having the occasional contraction, but my Doctor arrived and got ready to do the fluid removal again. She decided to use a slightly bigger needle and syringe so the procedure would be faster. This time there was only my doctor, Rob and a nervous midwife in the room. Knowing what I was in for this time and not being in as much physical discomfort from the pressure of the fluid made me a little nervous. If I thought the ultrasound they used on the first day was old, the one she had to use the second time was even worse. But she carefully guided the needle in. Once the needle was through my skin I could feel it go through into my uterus. The pain was exquisite and shot through my body, also every time I had a contraction (they didn't happen the first time), it would cause the shooting pain again. 

To make matters worse baby A was awake and kicking (the needle is actually removed but a tube was in it's place), we could see it jiggle on the outside! The midwife left after a bit so the three of us chatted about life, almost as if nothing unusual was happening! We also discussed the Caesarean section she planned to do. The stress of being birthed naturally would be too much and too uncontrollable for the tiny babies. So when she decided it was best I would be prepped for surgery. 

After an hour I realised that I had been lying on a join in the delivery bed, right where my hip was. It was getting increasingly sore, but I wasn't allowed to move! I couldn't wait until it was over. She went as quickly as she could, removing another two litres over two hours. Finally the equipment was removed, a welcome but painful feeling. My Doctor happy that it had gone well, and the babies were ok, packed up and left me to rest. I was returned to my small room, and the contractions kept coming. After dinner, despite ongoing contractions I sent Rob home. He was tired and couldn't sleep in my little room anyway. But I felt the same as the day before so I didn't think the babies were arriving any time soon. I took a sleeping tablet and tried to sleep. At first it worked.

Hut Christmas 2013 - cookbooks

I love Christmas baking. When I was a teenager I started making all my families requests after my school year finished: rum truffles, cherry hazelnut truffles, white Christmas, fudge, snow men meringues and mars bar slice. 

A bit more traditional now, we make puddings, fruit mince, fruit cake, Speculaas, gingerbread, shortbread, Turkish delight, cranberry and pecan cookies and chocolate fruit slice. 

With Rob now gluten free and our girls keeping us busy this year, I think we'll do a GF cake and maybe some almond biscuits. 

Do you have special treats you like to bake at Christmas?

My top four Christmas baking bibles.