22/52

Maggie: A quick trip to Launceston meant a visit to the monkey park on a cold winters morning. It was nice to watch the girls wonder and laugh at the antics of the monkeys. To play in the last of the autumn leaves. To watch the ducks in the pond. Especially after the events of the past few days. 
Elisabeth: Her cutest phrase of the week is when she has a runny nose she tells us "I need a tissue for my bless-you nose". Both photos were taken by Rob.

On Friday the girls were feverish and drowsy all day. I rang Rob at work and asked him if he could come home a bit early as they needed extra cuddles. The girls were sitting on Rob's lap on the window seat nibbling on some chips. I looked at Maggie and realised her eyes were all glazed and she seemed to be staring into space. I blurted out "there's something wrong with Maggie, she's having a fit", then I thought she was choking "she's choking, quick".

The next moments are a horrible blur, and even now days later, if I close my eyes I see it unfolding again and the sheer horror and desperation returns. Rob picked her up and started to pat her on the back to try and get whatever was choking her out. By now she was lifeless, her eyes closed, her face white except for her blue lips. She wasn't breathing. In that moment I thought "oh my god she's dying, we've lost her". Rob was telling her "Maggie, come back, please." Rob snapped me back into action by telling me to ring 000. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that after asking for an ambulance and giving our address, I screamed "My baby is dying, she's not breathing". The lady, Flick was lovely, and calmly asked what was going on, I said she's choking. She said to tell Rob to try and clear her airway, and that's when we realised she had her jaws clamped shut, and that my first gut reaction was right, she was having some sort of seizure. We were instructed to put her down, which goes against every instinct when you see your lifeless child, not breathing and blue. But after a few minutes, some of the longest in my whole life, Rob said "she's breathing, her colour is returning."

Flick stayed on the line as the ambulance was still 20 minutes away. Maggie was now moaning and looking completely dazed, but she would try and look at us when we said her name. When the paramedics arrived she was a little more lively when she worked out they were here to see her! They took her temperature and it was 39.2degC. I headed into hospital in the ambulance with Maggie, while Rob followed us with Lizzie. After a snooze in the ambulance Maggie became quite alert in emergency, as she suspiciously watched the nurses and doctors who asked questions and checked her out. She was quite happy with the hyrdrolyte icy pole though! Luckily her temperature had dropped quite a bit, and they could find no other suspicious symptoms or infections, so whatever virus the girls had picked up and caused the fever spike that brought on the febrile convulsion.

The Paediatrician talked us through what had happened, how likely it was to happen again, what to do if she did have another convulsion and told us that as scary as it was for us, Maggie had suffered no long term damage. Unlike what I initially thought, that I should have been giving them paracetamol all day (which I hadn't) he reassured us that might not have reduced the fever or even prevented the convulsion. He gave us the option of staying for a few more hours to observe Maggie, but he was more than happy to discharge us. We decided we were ok to take the girls home to rest. I stayed up all night next to Maggie, just stroking her face and watching her breathe. The next day both girls were much improved, you wouldn't have known we had experienced such a scare.

In those moments when we thought Maggie was dying, I remember thinking, why? How could she survive all that happened to her with Twin-to-Twin-Transfusion Syndrome, her premature birth and her numerous scares during her NICU stay and die now? How could we lose her now? Life has no meaning without her. For me. For Rob. For Elisabeth. I was taken back to those times when they were so tiny in the NICU, when we were forced to consider their life, their suffering, and yes, the possibility of their death. But back then when we watched Maggie set off every alarm on her monitor, as she stopped breathing, her heart beat flat lined and her oxygen levels dropped. We could step back, heart in our mouth as we watched the Doctors and nurses run to her crib and begin working on her. I felt so helpless on Friday night, so isolated from professional help.

So as you can see, an outing to the park to watch monkeys was just what we needed.

Joining in with Jodi's 52 portrait project at Practising Simplicity.

Day 22 - Hot

Today was warm. We stayed at home keeping inside where it was cooler. Eventually in the heat of the early afternoon the girls were tired enough to go to sleep for a nap without much fuss. Elisabeth in her cot, Maggie next to me on our bed. After a quick tidy up of the living area and kitchen I joined Maggie and napped for the first time in ages. It was heaven.
Unrelated photos from today.


The girls and their trikes. It's love. Maggie likes to turn hers upside down to "service" it, carefully cleaning everything.


After dinner while I did the washing up the girls joined Rob in the flower garden for a feast of freshly picked alpine strawberries and some weeding. Have I mentioned how much we love daylight savings?

Tomorrow is a public holiday thanks to the Hobart Show, so I am looking forward to a quiet day with Rob home.

Day 7 - Life

Alarm.

Grab phone before it wakes the others.

Ease out of the firm grip of Maggie.

Shower.

Let dogs out.

Espresso machine on.

Heat pump up.

Unpack dishwasher.

Wash bottles. 

Pack lunch and snacks for girls and Rob.

Lay out breakfast. 

Pack bags.

Let dogs back in out of the rain.

Go back and encourage the others to wake up.

Wrangle girls into high chairs.

Look away for a moment and find they are painting with their yoghurt.

Clean up.

Offer them bananas.

Pick them off the floor.
Get them back out of the chairs.

Pay bills online.

Thankfully sip the coffee my dear husband makes me everyday.

Herd girls into bedroom and change nappies and dress them with Rob.

Brush my teeth, encourage them to do theirs while Rob showers.

Watch them play hide and seek in our wardrobe.

Dress in work clothes.

Cajole girls towards the car dragging bags and baskets. 

Say bye to dogs and lock them up.

Drive to family day care.

Drop girls in, laugh as they greet their baby friend and wave us happily goodbye.

Spend 20 minutes alone with my husband as we drive to work.

He drops me in Battery Point then heads to uni to give a 9am lecture.

I visit the post office and buy 1kg of coffee beans.

Walk down the road to work.

Computer on.

Email open.

Greet open plan cubicle mates.

Catch up on a week's emails.

Walk across the road for a coffee.

Wish I'd walked a bit further for a better one.

Wrestle with our website content management system.

Walk across to Salamanca to buy veggies and bread for dinner, and soup for lunch.

Catch up with friends as I eat.

Start planning my timetable for the rest of the work year.

Realise that it is only 24 work days.

Feel tired thanks to the change to daylight savings.

Check and see a Facebook update from their carer.

Laugh as I see Maggie covered in paint.

Melt as I see Elisabeth's sweet smile.

Count the minutes down until home time.

Head out the front and wait in a cool spring breeze for Rob. 

Head to care.

Rush in to see them.

Hear about their great day.

Cuddle them as we head to the car.

Drive home.

Unpack car.

Let out joyous dogs.

Rush girls in through the rain.

Unpack.

Amuse girls with Shaun the sheep on my phone while Rob cooks stir fry noodles.

Eat.

Drink wine.

Clean up girls.

Remove their dinner covered trousers.

Police the trike riding.

Practise their yoga moves.

Run their bath.

Wash the girls.

Dry shivering girls as they stayed in their bath too long.

Convince them to put a nappy back on.

Teeth brushing.

Sleeping bags on.

Bottles.

Sleep.

Move them into their cots.

Smile as I watch them sleep.

Blog.

Chocolate.

Whisper goodnight to dear husband.

Sleep. 

Well for 3-4 hours at least.

Day 2 - Mr Duckie

Sometimes life with twins leaves me feeling a little bit like our friend Mr Duckie. A little flat.

Today was one of those days. The girls are still getting over a little bug, which has left them a little grumpy and short tempered. I had tried everything to get them to nap. Warm milk. A walk outside. Reading books. Lying down with them on the window seat. You could see they needed it. Yawning, eye rubbing, but our girls can fight sleep! After a few squabbles over toys and books, I took them into their bedroom and put them in their cots. I can count on one hand the number of times I have done that during the day. At first they thought I was joking and even smiled at me, so I went and sat in the next room. They realised then I was serious and so I sat gritting my teeth through the wails of abandonment. I snuck outside and looked through the windows and watched as they continued to cry with their eyes shut, heads resting on the cot rails. Eventually sleep won, they slumped down and they are still asleep (when I say still it was only 45 minutes ago).

I'm not proud of doing it. But sometimes I just need a few moments. To clean up the living room, wash the dishes, put away the washing and make the bed. Just a few moments to myself.

38/52

Maggie: They are both growing up, literally and in their behaviour.  In a rare semi-serious mood, the rest of the photos Maggie was pulling crazy faces and laughing.
Elisabeth: So innocent, yet I think she was holding Maggie's head down!!!

Joining in with Jodi's 52 portrait project at her blog Practising Simplicity.

We had a quiet weekend. Shopping for excellent bread at Pigeonwhole bakers, visiting my Mum in hospital as she recovers from a hip replacement, visiting friends for a lunch of baguettes and cheese and the best doughnuts, collecting eggs from their chickens, gardening together, eating together, taking backpack adventures (the girls favourite sort at the moment). Last Wednesday we had a check up at the NICU clinic. Girls are doing really well, no concerns or issues. Both had put on 2kg in the last 6 months, so Maggie is 8.6kg and Elisabeth 9.3kg. They were so funny after it had all been done, they climbed into the toy box in the Dr's room together for a chat. Even he thought they were so cute he asked if he could take a photo!

Life at the moment

I don't get to write here as often as I would like any more.

But instead I get to cuddle our girls while I read them books from our collection. Mostly the books are gifts, yesterday I read Goodnight Canada (and told the girls about our far away IG friends), the elephant and the bad baby (another IG friend in the UK), and Kissed by the Moon from a real life friend!

Or I get to lie on a picnic blanket with the girls while Rob plants out an oak forest grown from acorns he collected; a legacy I hope our girls will appreciate one day. Today we spotted a goshawk and the resident pair of Wedge-tailed eagles. They have recently learnt to point out the clouds. Nigella and Claudia lie down on either side of us, their warm fur a comfort when the winter sun slips behind a cloud.

Or after visiting our accountant all together to do our tax return (Maggie hilariously started mimicing him, picking up papers and pointing at the numbers while shaking her head saying "no, no"), we head out for brunch at our favourite cafe. Familiar staff and menu items. Coffee just the way we like it. The girls share our food, and then wave goodbye to everyone as we walk out.

Or we spend the afternoon planting out pink eye potatoes which will hopefully be ready by Christmas. Maggie was keen to help poking the seed potatoes into the holes Rob created. Elisabeth was keen to play hide and seek around the corner of the shed. The girls watch us so carefully now, copying and so pleased to help us with everyday chores like feeding the dogs, putting dirty clothes in the washing machine. They beam as we tell them what a good job they have done.

Or heading inside together to prepare a chilli for dinner, the girls helping to crush ingredients in the mortar and pestle, dancing to latin music as we do so. 

On the flip side, the juggle of part time work, the morning rush to get us all ready for the drop off to family day care and commute to work. The packing of lunches, cooking early dinners, struggles to get them to sleep during the day (and to be honest the night), squabbles over toys, the crazy bath times and melt downs when they are too tired. Another head cold to endure, as we chase Maggie with her dripping nose, a cough that causes a night time vomit that ensures a change of clothes for her, myself and the bed. The constant feeling of tiredness, and missing the chance to just be us for a moment.

Despite that last paragraph of reality, I wouldn't have it any other way. Life is busy. Life with girls is fun and in some ways very simple, in others complex.

13/52

Maggie: her pixie face. A baby of contrasts. Recently swinging between funny, laughing clown to growling rage-filled, frustrated baby in seconds. Her new teeth are proving useful for eating. Today she stood up from squatting without anything to hold onto. We all clapped her achievement, Elisabeth included, and her face broke into the proudest smile.
Elisabeth: nothing heralds the start of autumn to me as much as the sweet and distinctive perfume of ripe quinces. These are from a friend's tree, Rob is using them to make quince jelly, a favourite conserve at the hut. 

Her little hands here remind me of her father; this link between generations is particularly poignant to me this week as Rob's own father passed away last Sunday. We farewelled him on Thursday, with a celebration of his life with family and friends. I took this photo of him with Nigella in 2009 walking amongst the vineyard he planted 30 years earlier. Vale Graham.


Joining in with Jodi's 52 portrait project at her blog Practising Simplicity. Can you believe we are a quarter of the way through the year?

225 days old

Yesterday the girls were 224 days old. This number may not seem that significant to most people. But to Rob and I it is a big deal. It meant that the girls had spent as long with us at home as they had in the Royal Hobart Hospital NICU. 

When I posted a celebratory photo on Facebook stating the important milestone, a perceptive friend noted that tomorrow (today) is an even more important day. They have spent longer with us at the hut. Whilst Rob and I have nothing but the utmost admiration and respect for the dedicated and professional team of nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, receptionists, hospital aides, cleaners, pharmacists, and social workers that make up the RHH NICU team, it is lovely to see the days free of hospital tally up.

I follow a few of the support groups for premmie parents on Facebook, and while I appreciate it is helpful for some parents, I've stopped reading their posts. Mostly because it seems some of the parents can't let go of the trauma of a premmie start to life for their child(ren). 

I am thankful every day that Maggie and Elisabeth got through their NICU stay without surgery, serious medication, hearing or visual impairments, or (so far) a physical or mental disability. It could have been so much worse. 

But it would be terrible for my mental and physical health to keep ahold of the pain and fear I felt back there. Yes, I cried and sometimes still do. Yes, I was so scared for them I felt sick, and I'm sure I will feel the same again if they are ever seriously unwell. Yes, it was unfair for them and us, but I've learnt the hard way that life often is. But I am determined not to let those emotions dictate our current life. I try to use those emotions to help me enjoy even the tough moments of being a Mama of twins. When I'm alone and two girls are crying and need me at once. When there are simultaneous nappy explosions. When they are grizzly and squealing because they've forgotten how to go to sleep. When Elisabeth wants to feed nonstop. As soon as I feel a twinge of annoyance or exasperation, I breathe in and see them at day one. Tiny, helpless, red babies. I am transported back to the sounds of alarms, the flashing red signal on the computer screen bringing their nurse running. Or their cries of pain from yet another needle. The discomfort they felt trying to tolerate my milk. Waiting on every brain scan, heart echocardiogram or eye test for a good result. Then I breathe out, and realise my current situation is not difficult or trying at all. 

I hope I can still visualise those moments when they are teething, or in the terrible twos, or refusing to eat anything but macaroni cheese, or asking "but why" for the zillionth time, or not doing their homework, or fighting with each other or giving their parents attitude in their teens. 

I want to enjoy every moment of being their Mama, and be grateful for even the challenging moments as a parent. I would like their premmie start to be a gift for us, not a burden to carry throughout their life.

Right now we enjoy watching them take in the big new world around them. The colours, the light, the textures, the sounds, the smells. We encourage them as they try to roll over, their faces full of determination and concentration as they work on getting their bodies to do what they want them to. We delight in their smiles as they recognise us. We laugh at their crazy squeals and babbling as they practise using their voices. We help them use their tiny little hands to pick up rattles, blankets, or grab at my nose or hair or their own toes. We love watching them sleep peacefully. I want to remember the way they lunge with excitement to feed from me, holding tight onto my top to ensure I don't go anywhere.

I look forward to the next 112 days, and will be cheering them on as they continue to grow up.

Today, I know...

Baby snuggles are the best type of snuggle.

I can sleep through the girls crying, lights on and Rob poking me!

Mastitis is horrid. Truly. I haven't felt so sick or such pain in a long time. Labor, amniotic fluid needle drains and caesarian recovery included.

Sun, fresh air and daylight are lovely things.

Babies can poo and vomit all over the place. Although they seem to save it up for Papa.

I know I was adamant about no pink. But I have to admit, it suits our baby girls very well.

Even doing one trivial house chore a day, like dusting, makes me feel like I've achieved so much.

Rob and I are a good team. Yesterday was our 2nd wedding anniversary, we celebrated by visiting my GP for a flu vaccination. French cheese for lunch. An afternoon snooze. Rob made us mini roast lambs (he used shanks) in quince jelly with potato stacks and peas. Then more sleep.

German Shepherds are very tolerant dogs. Both Nigella and Claudia have accepted the girls into their pack. They don't always approve of their crying though.

That for tiny babies, Maggie and Elisabeth are full of character! Today they are 18 weeks old (4 weeks corrected). I got my first pre-feed, eyes open smile from Maggie today.

My blogging may be less regular, although looking back on last year, I don't want to stop. If I have time I might even bring back Monday Menu, even if only for our interest. I don't know about you, but I'm finding blogger a very tiresome program to comment on your blog posts, especially on my phone. I find Instagram or even Facebook so much easier for interactions. But I am still reading your posts. I find blogging a slightly selfish hobby at the moment, but I do want to record this very special year in our lives.
I've been thinking too about our privacy, and what to share. Do any of you have thoughts/concerns/opinions about that?

33

On the eve of my birthday last night we were treated to a fantastic thunderstorm, with lightning that lit up our bedroom. This morning Rob made me pancakes for breakfast in bed. I'm feeling spoilt already.
Am I feeling another year wiser? I think so.
What have I learnt over this past year?

Having our own home has made a big difference to how secure and settled I feel, and you know what it's ok if I want to spend as much time there as I possibly can.
I like our little life in the country, waking up and seeing the bush on the hill opposite, the quiet, or the sound of frogs croaking, watching wallabies hopping and feeding in the paddock at dawn (rather than our garden) and watching and listening to birds. Sorry if I sound like some sort of crazy bird watcher freak, BUT the other night I was sitting on the terrace having a cool drink and a wedge-tailed eagle flew up the block over the dam, it was being harassed by a pair of forest ravens, and for once was flying quite low. I could barely get the words out to get Rob to come and have a look! It flew over us, the hut and then hid in a big eucalypt on the hill. I'm glad that I can still feel awe in moments like that.

I like being married...to Rob, a lot.
We've lived together for awhile, but it was always something we wanted to do one day. Sure we haven't much changed, I don't think, but making it official was important to us both, I love starting sentences with "my husband.." I like seeing my wedding band on my finger, watching those bunnies and foxes chase each other, and didn't mind changing my name at all.

It's ok to wear boys jeans.
I've come to loathe shopping for jeans. This last year, after trying to squeeze myself into several pairs in Myers, I walked out of the women's change room, walked up a flight of stairs and found a perfect pair in the men's section! Comfy, long and my favourite boot cut style. Not even baggy in the "wrong" places, which makes me wonder how comfortable they are for guys!

I have to stop worrying so much.
I know I let things niggle away at me, until I come up with all sorts of crazy scenarios. I've watched my mother stress about everything and it's not a healthy way to be. So this year I'm trying to work on my negativity and enjoy life a little more, instead of worrying about the what ifs.

Two dogs are so much funnier than one.
Watching our two muck about and play games never fails to make us laugh.

I like baking cakes for parties.
Our wedding, birthdays, Christmas and work events. I like doing it well and making people something they enjoy.

Babies are cute.
Sure I may have thought this before, but since my niece was born in May, I've realised that a baby who's related to you is quite different. I like that she smiles at me when I visit, or tries to share my ice-cream, or tips her head sideways when looking at me. She's adorable. Watching my little sister (whom I can remember holding as a baby) as a mother is beautiful. She's the same but different. It suits her.

What will I learn this year I wonder?

Monday's Menu

What a weekend hey? (Sorry for those of you not in Tasmania, the weather was quite perfect, warm days and evenings- even got up to 30 on Sunday!)
Highlights this week food wise- chicken wings and asparagus cooked on the BBQ, the most tiny, perfect egg and ham roll from the Pigeon Hole Cafe for breakfast, Roast pork with roasted fennel and carrots, some more French and Spanish cheese, bubbles over to celebrate our visiting friend, and new season nicola potatoes.


I was saddened to hear of the death of Sarah Watt, the Australian film director and animator from cancer. I really loved the movie Look Both Ways. I think of her children, Clem 18 and Stella 13, and her husband William McInnes, and think how desperately unfair life is sometimes. Today I listened to a recent interview with William on ABC National Radio and he was still so positive about the time he had left with his wife and had not the slightest indication of bitterness or self-pity. I can honestly say that if I was in a similar position I'm not sure I could be that brave or act with such grace.

Our life:

Left to my own devices I am actually quite lazy. I admit that upfront. Some of it is learned behaviour, I guess, my parents are really “inside” people, movies, books that’s their thing. Given the choice between staying in bed with a good book (or more likely nowadays the iPad to check out what’s happening in blog-world) or get up and start gardening, I would choose bed nine times out of ten!

But then I started living with Rob. He doesn’t sit still. He lives for action. Doing something, anything, preferably outside with our dogs in tow. He lives by the saying “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”. For someone who is older than me he puts me to shame with his energy!

I think it works out ok for both of us as we counteract our natural tendencies for slothfulness (me) or busyness (him). Sometimes I encourage him to just sit and enjoy the moment with a cup of coffee and a Chocolate chip biscuit (best recipe ever thanks to C & C cupcake factory).

But more often he’s encouraging me to get my lazy butt out of bed and to live life.

I am grateful, for many things that I’ve learnt from my husband, but this is a good lesson to learn.

So our weekend consisted of:

• watching Rob play real tennis (this was me at my multi-tasking best in between points I could read and comment on my favourite blogs with near perfect reception on the iPad and he got to run around for an hour);
• heading to bed early to read new library books;
• going to the gym for a weights class together;
• shopping at Salamanca market, for vegies, seedlings to plant, treats from Jo and Michelle (the gin-soaked damson brownie was to. die. for.);
• visiting my little niece Maisy and marveling at how much she’s grown;
• cooking a lovely dinner of rib-eye steaks, baked potatoes and wilted spinach followed up by a Seville marmalade steamed pudding (I’m unjustifiably proud of my first batch of marmalade!);
• being served said pudding in bed for breakfast;
• sorting out a few last details with the builder at the hut- he even took down his builder’s signs at the front gate;
• cleaning the hut as a team so it was done more quickly;
• sitting for a moment in the sun coming through the bi-fold door while we ate toast and vegemite;
• planting out five cider apple trees, four quince trees and a prune tree in the orchard (stage 3) and protecting them from marauding wallabies;
• cooking a roast chicken in the Weber BBQ for Sunday’s dinner and chatting about how much we enjoyed our weekend but looking forward to falling asleep!

Sorry it probably sounds a little saccharine, but then we have only been married for four months and living in our hut for two of those so we’re still in that honeymoon phase!