Isolated

On Tuesday it was hot here in Tasmania. The girls had been a bit snotty for days, but it had tipped over the edge to a sinister green so they had been swabbed. Whilst their results were pending we were put into isolation, at first just in a corner of the nursery, barricaded off, and forced to wear the obligatory yellow synthetic gowns, blue face masks and vinyl gloves. I sat in the corner, sweltering in that get up, waiting to feed each of our girls. The day before I'd started a course of antibiotics to combat the beginning of mastitis, so after each feed I was given frozen nappies to apply to my breasts, a welcome relief to the stickiness of the gown. Feeding was becoming problematic as the girls were too snotty to latch on for more than one suck, so would push off (heel of their hand into a painful breast) cry and try again. In the end I would let the nurse know and she would suction their nostrils (not an experience they seemed to enjoy much), their crying would exhaust them, and they'd just lie quietly in my arms. I looked down and they squinted up at me warily, tired and a bit suspicious of my mask, I'd rock them for a moment, then ask the nurses to top them up via their nasal gastric tube.
I rushed off at lunch to a physio appointment I had booked weeks ago, to get some exercises to help my post Caesarian belly. Her room was swelteringly hot, a pathetic cheap fan just pushed the hot air lamely around the room. After the initial surprise at me being here (I'd seen her early on in my pregnancy for some pelvic floor exercises), she got me to lie down on the bench so we could work out the damage. She was happy for me that I was stretch mark free (well hardly surprising when the girls had arrived so early!), and had only minimal separation of my abdominal muscles. She then got the ultrasound out to check on my inner core muscles. Last time I'd visited we'd gotten a sneaky peek at the girls who were jiggling around, kicking me in the bladder. I think my physio was more excited than me. It was strange to look at the screen and just see my muscles. She got me to lock on the pelvic floor then draw in my inner muscles around where my scar is. I did it perfectly the first time. But then I couldn't for the life of me do it again. She smiled and looked at me and said, "you're already fatiguing". I laughed, then realised I was lying horizontally in the middle of the day in a room which felt like an oven, my body was trying to tell me something. Slow down. Rest. Sleep.
After a few more exercises to try later on when I have some actual muscle fitness, I went and found some lunch and realised I was starting to feel sniffly myself. On my return to hospital Elisabeth's test had come back positive for RSV or the common cold. The nurses were lovely, I admitted I thought I was getting it too and was going to stay home the next few days to rest, and they all looked at me and said in unison "good".
The next day Maggie's test came back positive and they were moved into an isolation room in NICU.
I have stayed home really since. Of course I miss our girls, I have watched the movies of their first baths about a zillion times the last few days, I ring the nurses every few hours to see how they're going, and send Rob in with a milk delivery each day.
But I'm not moping, or sad. The nurses are looking after them far better than I could. Clearing their noses, checking their temperatures, and feeding them via the tubes to let them rest. Rob said their room is nice and quiet. The girls are doing ok, especially considering Maggie only got off breathing support last week!
I am enjoying being home. Realising it may well be my last days at home alone for quite some time. Getting some time in the sunshine (after spending our entire summer in the hospital), sleeping in after the 6am express, napping in the afternoon, catching up on correspondence, staying in my pyjamas all day, drinking tea. No fluorescent lights, vinyl chairs, noisy alarms, synthetic gowns, or untidy hospital toilets.
I should feel isolated, I guess, but I don't. I know I need a few days to recuperate to be ready for the final run to home. I truly hope my next blog post is to introduce you to Maggie and Elisabeth, at our home.

Tiny feet

My goodness this space has been neglected, I think of it often but don't seem to find a moment to share, instead using the ease and speed of a quick IG post.

Our girls have progressed so much in the last month, for a start they have doubled their weight, little Maggie is now 1720g and Miss Elisabeth 2010g. Their nurses have enjoyed cakes at each 500g milestone (Chocolate Guinness cupcakes, brownies, carrot cake, Guinness gingerbread). They are filling out, and instead of looking like little wrinkled old men, they look like chubby, albeit mini, babies.

Both are now in the Special Care Nursery rather than the intensive care unit. They have graduated to open cots, at first with water beds, but now they can both control their own temperature they are just on a mattress. This meant they actually need clothes! I let myself buy some onesies, which was a big step, as I'd not bought anything even while I was still pregnant, for fear of jinxing us.
The open cots are lovely as we can touch them so easily, listen to their cute lamby noises, watch their face expressions. They are really starting to look around at us now.

Elisabeth is free of breathing assistance, she just has a nasal gastric tube and a sensor on her foot. Maggie is on hiflow with a bit of oxygen, and is fully monitored.

I had my first twin cuddle on my birthday, the best birthday present I've ever had or probably ever will have. The sweetest thing was Elisabeth wrapping her arm around Maggie's shoulder and leaving it there the whole time.

We are starting to practise feeding more and more, they are both so keen and determined, desperately seeking out the breast, such a strong instinct even in babies so small.

We are starting to get the hut ready for their arrival, buying a cot and change table. After 63 days in hospital their homecoming is getting closer with every gram gained and successful feed. When I was still pregnant I used to be frightened about coping with twins at home. But after watching our girls fight to survive these last months, I feel like we'll cope just fine. Sure it will be tough and I won't get much sleep, and there will be so many feeds and dirty nappies to change, but it will be nothing compared to what we've been through already.

In the last week the nurses have been popping Elisabeth into Maggie's cot for them to have cuddles, it's so lovely to see them reunited and they seem to like it. So I'll leave you with a photo of their cute feet intertwined.

Thank you

A parcel arrived at NICU today: addressed to Maggie and Elisabeth from the lovely ladies at the CWA at Ranelagh. Inside were two tiny wee hand knitted hats. They're perfect.
Thank you. It cheered us up today.
I'd love to know who made and sent them, and yes when the girls are big we will come and visit!

Drip feed Mama

The girls are almost 4 weeks old (Wednesday is their weekly milestone). I have decided that I am a drip-fed Mama. Normally all these exciting firsts would happen within hours of your baby's birth. Maybe it's for the best that I hadn't had the time before their sudden birth to imagine all those firsts, wonder about what it feels like to hold your baby. Feed her. Change her. Clean her. As all of these moments are now being drip-fed to me over the course of this past month.

The longing and excitement of that first skin to skin cuddle. Oh I shed little tears onto their CPAP hats as I enjoyed those cuddles. We are lucky enough to get a cuddle a day now, Rob and I alternate (we're already careful not to have favourites!) I love seeing their little faces up close, especially if they open their eyes. Elisabeth has moved onto hiflow oxygen, which means she just has little prongs in her nose that are taped to her cheeks. She has coped with the change well (no longer requiring the pressure of the CPAP) system to breathe. It also means her head is bare, as they had to wear a cap tightly held on with Velcro with CPAP. Her head recovered quickly from the cap, plumping out from it's wrinkled state. So now, when she's snuggled on my chest I can kiss her soft head covered in a mop of fine dark hair.

Maggie is still a bit more fragile so will be in the CPAP for a while. But I love my cuddles with her just the same!

I see it as a great honour to help with their care, changing messy nappies and carefully putting them back on and rearranging the cables from all their sensors. Taking their temperature under an arm. Gently cleaning their eyes using cotton wool buds soaked in saline or water for around their mouth. Massaging their heads to relieve them from the pressure of the CPAP cap.

The milk expressing has been going well. Rob seems particularly proud and will declare their daily record to anyone who looks even vaguely interested. Probably the most precious moments have been the two times the nurse has put Maggie and Elisabeth on the breast. They are fed my breast milk through a feeding tube, but both girls knew exactly what to do with a nipple. So funny to see and feel their sucking and watch them swallow like crazy. Such a basic instinct, but one that has made me very happy. The breast milk is now being fortified with vitamins and minerals, to help our girls grow. Both have been doing quite well in terms of growth. Elisabeth hit the kilo mark last Wednesday and Maggie isn't far off either. The nurses were keen to tell us about the tradition of the kilo cake, so we duly brought in some Nigella chocolate brownies that Rob had baked to celebrate Elisabeth. They all appreciated it so much, Rob thinks we'll celebrate each half kilo with a cake!

Our life has become quite simple. Visiting the girls, walking the dogs at the beach, eating well, watering and tending the garden (Rob, not me yet), and napping. The 3 hourly expressing regime is enough to keep me occupied! The 3am one especially ensures that we both feel slightly tired all the time. Just in training I guess for when the girls come home.
I struggle to keep up with emails, phone calls and blogging. It just seems to be the last priority, and sleep or baby cuddling will win every time!

So although this isn't the start of motherhood I imagined, every one of my drip-fed Mama moments are treasured, and we delight in them all day, maybe even all week! I am storing these precious memories away, and hope I never forget just how much I anticipated and am thankful for them.

2 weeks old

Our girls are two weeks old today. Unbelievable in some ways. It's been a big couple of weeks for us and them. A blur of hospital visits, expressing, naps for us, and growing and eating well for them.
They are doing well so far.

Yesterday our Christmas was quiet. I got to cuddle Maggie skin to skin for the first time, (Elisabeth and I had our first cuddle two days earlier) and Rob got to cuddle Elisabeth. Easily my best Christmas present ever.
I can't wait til I can cuddle them whenever I want to.

Then we had fish and chips at the beach so the dogs could run around a bit. We headed home for a nap - then we had a lovely dinner of glazed ham, potatoes, broad beans and salad and a Christmas cassata for dessert.

Merry Christmas.